i exist in you.
i am sometimes ashamed of my brain, for having too much or too little, for its fluffiness and its density. ever-seeking my heart and my humanity and simplicity.
— Timothy “Speed” Levitch
epic theatre
epic futurism
brecht
gesamtkunstwerk
wagner
golem
federal theatre project
socialist theatre
yiddish theatre
kurt weill
assimilation
when i was 16 in AP stupid english i read a lot of susan sontag and our teacher told us to develop a VOICE and we learned about VOICE and everybody’s voice sounds the same and I realized my voice can sound like any voice and lo and behold i had stumbled upon that fascinating myth of identity that is also incredibly, incredibly powerful, and it’s a very important balance to maintain, to realize your own nothingness and your own somethingness.
okay sontag, i haven’t read anything you wrote in years, though i have a book i got for a dollar a while ago that i’ve been meaning to pick up.
and i really like this…
“Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager.”
— Susan Sontag
“A writer, I think, is someone who pays attention to the world”
— Susan Sontag
so pay attention to the world around you and within you.
today is a good day again, and i loved the children, and i paid attention to them, and i cared.
FEMALE CONVICT SCORPION
this post ultimately becomes about transparency and how much we might want to show of ourselves online, and why i might choose to hide everything and reveal everything… what do we want to keep secret? why keep any secrets? can you find anything incriminating to use against me when i run for office? can i live without shame?
read below for my uninhibited type brain. i will cast spells with prosetry sometimes, and make engineering lists other times…
twist vision. my first tumble is tumbling key clicking clucking like little chickens over the keyboard. i want to salvage little phrases, sayings that came from me in other posts, but this is new, so everything is new. i feel like woody allen narrating the beginning of manhattan the writer crumpling sentences trying to express how your city is yourself, metaphor for the decline of civilization and all.
i had dreams of big cities last night and the night before, i dreamt i was in some fantasy fairyland, called melbourne or new york city, it looked like dicapria’s shadow puppet cities. last night i swam in the warmest water, played the requiem for a dream theme for a western wedding show, had my ex-soul mate playing the role as grandfather and in doing so i imagined him being part of the life i lead now, sitting with awkward smiles.
i remember israel. the best times in my life are when i have no shame about my humanity, no secrets whatsoever. then i think of my grandfather, who has lived a long time and is surprised to see what kinds of identities are taking shape on the facebook profiles of his grandchildren, how much we reveal, how easily we are to share are innermosts and outermosts, our thoughts and sense of humor, no matter how stupid or disgusting we may appear to others.
he planned a trip to mars. really, that’s what he did. he is humble. shame-free and humble. what is there to be scared of?
career. be yourself. careening into moments and making a choice about each one, in every moment we are creating who we are.
i want to go visit him in his seaside apartment. he knows how to live in the world, how to have money and power and love, but with reason. stoic and brilliant and humble, no romanticization of reality, simple. football games. he has lived through the loss of the most beautiful lively woman. she did not romanticize, she simply loved, genuinely and wholly.
but both keep dignity in tact. dignity, naivete. happy veteran’s day.
thank you veterans, who lived through things i can’t possibly fathom, in a real world where people shame you, shame shame shame, for being who you are, so human.
veteran’s gay.
